I'm Back

I'm no fan of this blogging thing, but when my assistant Debbie pointed out that I could use it to reach a vast audience of slackers, misfits and malcontents, I remember thinking: Baby, that's my people.  When she further pointed out that I could use it to cut my former newspaper syndicate and the courts clean out of the deal, I remember thinking: Clean out of the deal. Hmmm. Yes, it's true that the syndicate summarily terminated my long-running newspaper column, that we are currently engaged in a breathtaking array of interlocking lawsuits, and that the courts have forbidden me to work as a professional advice columnist until all actions are settled. But a close reading of their order reveals nothing prohibiting me from sharing the same Web-based freedom of expression granted to, say, "Tyler & Cassidy's Blog About Kitties." When I realized this, the abstract principle of disintermediation suddenly began to seem as real and delicious as the gleaming chocolate donut before me. (I was eating breakfast at the time.)  Right then and there I resolved to leap feet first into the blogosphere.

There will, however, be some ground rules, and chief among them is that no one in my immediate circle use the word "blogosphere," which is as trite and meaningless a lump of blathery new-speak as it's ever been my misfortune to hear. I was down with a sinus infection last week and forced to watch CNN for a good part of the day, and must have heard the word "blogosphere" a good six dozen times, especially from those two sparkly-eyed twinkies they have reading weblogs on the air. As part of their actual jobs. This was a concept so stunning to me that I forced Debbie to curtail her preparation of the lunchtime Croque Monsieurs which are the only reason I keep her around, and come in and watch with me. After just a moment or two I found myself scrabbling for the remote, asking incredulously "Hey, do you mind if I put the news on?" (Debbie, for her part, was crass enough to point out that I had lifted the line from Albert Brooks in "Broadcast News," which got her banished right back to the kitchenette.)

Beyond that linguistic proscription, however, anything goes. I'll be commenting here on the news of the day, with emphasis on manners and interpersonal relationships. And when Debbie pointed out that this was not only a fine way to spread my innovative gospel of “Creative Selfishness™” but also allowed me to peddle some books from the comfort of my lavish yet tasteful home, I remember thinking: Yes. This scam might just fly.