Just One Second, I'm Putting Some Things Away

Sometimes an advice columnist has to look below the surface of human behavior. (Not too far below, though, because that's where all the dark and scary stuff lives. And who wants to buy themselves a piece of that? The trick is to skim along the surface like a speedboat, only occasionally, and only as necessary, dipping a toe into the turbulent sea foam. Dip more than a toe and you create drag, which slows you down and makes it harder to zip away when things get knotty.) Sometimes you have to look at the messages our behavior sends. Like the message being delivered in New Mexico, which apparently has a new "Commit a Sex Crime, Meet a Movie Star" program. They're not describing it exactly that way, of course. The wire story simply describes a ride-along by actor Richard Gere with Bernalillo County deputies as they check in on sex offenders in the Albuquerque area. But come on, imagine you're a convicted pedophile answering the knock at the door for one more grim home inspection by burly deputies who hate your guts. Now imagine opening the door and seeing instead the twinkly blue eyes of the world's dreamiest practicing Buddhist. Would that or would that not qualify as the best day of your sad, desperate life?

Gere, it should be noted, is researching an upcoming role as a federal agent investigating a possible sex crime.  But hell, isn't every actor out joyriding in dune buggies or flying with the Blue Angels "researching" something? The members of SAG do more research than the Rand Corporation. Strictly speaking, it shouldn't even be called "research" at all -- I'm personally hesitant to equate what they do at, say, CDC to something Heath Ledger spends a spare weekend charging to his loan-out corporation's credit card. So at least let's call this what it is: An incentive program for sex criminals. And I'm willing to go on the record right here, right now: Mr. Irresponsible stands foursquare against incentivizing sex crimes. That's my position and I'm sticking to it, at least until somebody challenges it. (Remember: Like a speedboat.)