This Holiday Season, Do Exactly As I Tell You And Nobody Gets Hurt

Mr. Irresponsible's taking a week or so off to meet with his lawyers and plot a few fresh ways to brutalize his many enemies. But I didn't want to leave you without some food for thought as we head into the holiday season. So please enjoy, won't you...

MR. IRRESPONSIBLE'S FIVE-POINT PLAN FOR SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS 2005

Let’s begin by clearing some etymological underbrush.

The Holidays: What Are They? (And Aren’t They?)

The holidays are no longer a ritual celebration of the winter solstice, and they haven’t been that for many generations. They’re also not the modern creation that’s been abstracted from that ancient observance -- a time of gauzy good feeling in the warm embrace of your family. And the truth is, you know that. Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or Wiccan Yule, you know in your heart that the things the holidays really ritualize are more profound than Hallmark images of home and hearth. And what are they? Anger, frustration, and the soul-scorching cruelty that only your closest loved ones can deliver.

I haven’t had time to check this statistic, because I only made it up a minute ago, but social scientists report that a staggering 87% of mid-winter suicide attempts are a direct result of “that terrible thing my mother (father/sister/brother/husband/wife) said to me over the holidays.”  No one is really sure why so many family resentments burst to the surface during the holiday season -- some feel it has to do with the enforced air of jollity that paradoxically spawns thoughts of hatred and misery, while others believe it’s the metaphoric presence of absent family members with whom one has unresolved business. There are those who believe that it is related to the unusually high intake of sugars and fats, and the concomitant loosening of inhibitions. I have a simpler theory: I believe that families spend all their energy trying to separate, and when forced back together they simply go nuts.

Fortunately, Mr. Irresponsible is here to do what Mr. Irresponsible does -- reduce intractable behavioral problems to easy bromides and tut-tut them away. Just follow these few simple rules and you too can live through the holidays.

1) DON’T Make Eye Contact

This is a first principle, and not some sort of half-baked metaphor. What I mean is, when the holidays bring you together with family members, don’t look them in the eye. Eye contact triggers a physiological phenomenon called “Prester’s Invitation,” in which a neurochemical is released that temporarily anaesthetizes the shame centers of the brain, and also serves to induce short-term amnesia with regard to past arguments and recriminations. Eye contact, no matter how fleeting or accidental, is like waving the Green Flag at a Formula One racer. It says, in effect: “Come on in, the screaming’s fine!” Do not, do not, do not offer this opening to family members at the holidays. Avert your gaze at all times, even if it means stumbling into furniture or other obstacles. (There’s a seasonal expectation that one has had a drink or two, so no one will notice anything amiss.) Wear sunglasses or a welder’s helmet if you have to. (I like this one.)

2) DO Bring a Book

Or a crafts project, or maybe those “Learn French in Two Weeks” flash cards you’ve been meaning to study. Maybe you’ll be able to get a jump on next year’s taxes. The point is, find some way to make the time go by in a useful fashion. Why sit numbly, staring into space and ignoring your cousins’ attempts at small talk when you could be alphabetizing newspaper clippings or sorting stray buttons and ignoring your cousins’ attempts at small talk? This year I plan to read through the enormous stack of handwritten letters I’ve received from the Guatemalan orphan child I sponsor, Eusebio. At least I think his name is Eusebio. It might be “Eugenio” or possibly “Guillermo.” I’m not sure, as I’ve never been able to make it through one of his hand-scrawled missives in toto. To be honest, his penmanship is atrocious, and his diction and syntax are worse. And he’s so repetitive -- it’s “Que Dios te bendiga, Sr. Irresponsible” this and “No tengo ningún zapatos” that until you just want to scream. I’m not sure what it is they’re teaching these kids on my dime, but it sure doesn’t seem to be the rudiments of written expression. I mean it, they better straighten up. It’s not like I can’t come up with another way to tax-shelter twenty-eight bucks a month.

 
3) DON’T Take The Bait

Proximity with family members who are for the rest of the year sequestered at safe distances creates danger. Sometimes it is this closeness alone which serves as the trigger for the release of some long-simmering grudge or grievance. Add a surplus of liquor, a deficit of comfortable seats and the stultifying effects of forced-air heat and you have a environment in which there is an overwhelming probability that things will be said that can never be taken back. What to do? I suppose one could, if one were so inclined, “work on one’s emotions” and “show personal growth” and “become more mature” and “rise above it all.” But these things take time and effort, and our immediate problem is getting to New Year’s alive. 

With this in mind, let me suggest two items which will help enormously: a cheap longhair wig and a pair of wireless in-the-ear stage monitors like those employed by professional musicians. (Mr. Irresponsible likes the Shure P4TRE3 system, which is flexible and reasonably affordable at just under $1200 MSRP.) Place the ear buds in your ears and obscure the equipment with the wig. You may, if you choose, employ a confederate to hide nearby and, Cyrano-like, whisper encouraging thoughts into a connected microphone. I prefer to connect a sound source such as an MP3 player, hide the rig in a closet, and go on about my holiday business. Now what do I hear? Invitations to re-open ancient slights? Cutting criticisms of my life choices? The puzzled words “Hey, what’s with the hair? You look like that guy from Twisted Sister”? No sir. All I hear is a pleasant wash of carefully-chosen music. I’ve been listening to a lot of Bossa Nova lately, so any challenges sent my way simply waft past on a cushion of calming acoustic guitars and the comical sight of my relatives’ mouths twisting into hateful accusations I’ll never have to listen to.

4) DO Have An Exit Strategy

One of the unfortunate facts about the holidays is that they have, for the last couple of generations, morphed into an open-ended festival of pain that may last as long as six weeks. The modest amount of actual office work that gets done between Thanksgiving and, say, the second week in January only makes it easier for slackers and layabouts to impose a sort of general period of sleepy unreality on those around them. Anybody who’s ever been on the receiving end of one of those gut wrenching “Oh, you don’t have to head back just yet, do you?” invitations has witnessed the phenomenon for themselves. So it’s critically important to have an unalterable date and time at which to make one’s escape. Note that it’s not good enough to have ticketed reservations for a given flight or train -- the host or hostess in the grip of this feverish attempt to extend their hospitality is unlikely to be swayed by the possibility of added expense and trouble (i.e., your added expense and trouble). And then where will you be? Stuffed like a Chicken Roulade into some niece or nephew’s cruelly undersized, cartoon-branded bed, suffering through an extra God knows how many nights of fitful, miserable sleep, stumbling to the bathroom at 2 AM, tripping over toys the tots have already forgotten they ever wanted and wondering in icy torment why some people bother to have home heating at all if they’re going to turn it down to 62 overnight. No, the trick here is to have hard, firm plans for the immediate post-holiday period. These should be the kinds of things that can’t conceivably be postponed or rescheduled. Some suggestions:

Gall-bladder surgery (No one knows quite what this is, so you’re on safe ground if they ask)

Some “work I have to do for the Government” (Adopt an air of mystery when you say this, and smile enigmatically)

Plans to compete in the Grand Prix at LeMans (Negligible domestic interest and no stateside TV coverage, so you’re not likely to be caught out)

A long-scheduled reunion of your insurance-agent licensing exam prep class (Believe me, nobody’s going to ask you to elaborate on this)

5) AND IF ALL ELSE FAILS:

Narcotize, Narcotize, Narcotize

Let’s talk now about a last-resort, scorched-earth sort of solution. With proper attention to hydration and a strategically-placed infrastructure of chairs, cushions and crash pads (these may be rented from any theatrical supply house which ordinarily caters to stuntmen), it is possible to stay under the influence of a good central nervous system depressant from just before Thanksgiving until just after New Year’s. An RN or home health-care aide may be employed to monitor vital signs and do a little light cleaning, and also impart the appearance of medical necessity to the proceedings. Health insurance, it should be noted, will not generally cover this.