What I Learned From Michael Jackson (Besides The Moonwalk)
Mr. Irresponsible has, for more than 20 years now, plumbed the very depths of human dysfunction. (And believe me, the depths of human dysfunction need some plumbing.) So Mr. Irresponsible isn't easily stunned. Mr. Irresponsible knows the score, he's been around the block, he's seen some things. But Mr. Irresponsible has never, ever seen anything like the statement Michael Jackson's put up on his web site.
It isn't that you expect quiet good taste from the man who built Neverland. That would be unrealistic. Wouldn't you think, though, that after a protracted trial in which, acquittal or no, his reputation was dinged seemingly beyond repair, a guy would think, Okay, well, time to putter quietly in the garden for awhile and regroup. Or Maybe I'll finally get around to painting the garage. Or Man, those New Yorkers have really been piling up around here -- time to stack 'em up by the old easy chair and have a nice read! But that guy wouldn't be Michael Jackson... and darn it, we just wouldn't want him to be, would we? No, the Michael we want is the one who constantly redefines the term Big Crazy, the one who exuberantly dashes our dwindling hopes that maybe this traveling circus of celebrity and jurisprudence and journalism will just quietly pull up stakes and slip out of town. And that's the Michael we get on his website, in full, eye-gouging, bandwidth-hogging Flash animation.
The introductory fanfare, which makes the music they play at the opening of the Olympics sound like a kazoo solo, is only the beginning. Then -- wait for it -- yes! It's the montage of "Great Moments in The History of Mankind Which Previously Did Not, But Now Do, Include The Acquittal of Michael Jackson"! You'll stare in horror as Jackson compares his acquittal to the birth of Martin Luther King, Jr.! You'll gasp in frank disbelief as Jackson compares his acquittal to the fall of the Berlin Wall! You'll reach for something heavy as Jackson compares his acquittal to Nelson Mandela's release from jail! (Lemme see, what was Mandela in jail for again?... I can't remember, exactly, because right at the moment I'm being pummeled into insensibility by the quick cutting and relentless pacing of this Flash thing I'm seemingly unable to stop watching. But whatever it was, I'm sure it wasn't a bigger injustice than what The Man did to poor Michael Jackson... What? No, I'm afraid I've lost the ability to remember anything that happened to me before the beginning of this animation, which is now actually seeping into my brain and wiping out my childhood.)
Fortunately, there's a lesson here. It's in the form of a simple "DO and DON'T" formula, and it applies to even those among us who don't live on vast Central Coast ranches with private zoos and amusement rides and a secret underground lair stuffed with death rays and ex-Staasi hitmen and a crack cadre of the deadliest female Ninjas the world has ever known. (I'm just assuming.) The lesson is this:
Life is capricious, and frequently unjust. So if you should be fortunate enough to hit the karmic Lotto, in whatever way, shape or form it applies to you...
DO grab your hat, button up your overcoat and head out to enjoy the second chance the cosmos have dealt you. You may even, if you so choose, issue a cheery "So long, suckers!" as you glide on out the door.
DON'T hang around buttonholing strangers in the street and haranguing them about about how unfairly you were almost treated. The life of the average citizen is as studded with real unfairness and random misfortune as a tasty cinnamon bun is with delicious raisins. All that post-game yammering about the historic scale of the injustice that really, no fooling, came this close to happening to you...? It's simply unattractive. So take the great big bus pass the Fates have given you and use it to go away and quit bothering people.
