Gizmodo reports today on wireless underwear that monitors a user's heart rate and can automatically call an ambulance in the event of a heart attack. Putting aside for a moment the insane, mind-bending greatness of the phrase "wireless underwear," we should pause to consider other potential uses of this technology. Why, for example, should the things be hardwired to dial an ambulance? Is there any reason they couldn't be coded to call, say, "Larry King Live," 1-800-DENTIST, or an old girlfriend from college? What if they just want to call other underwear? Is there a variety of truss that can be programmed to call Domino's when telltale stomach-rumbling is detected? I wonder these things. Then I look again at the phrase "wireless underwear" and laugh uncontrollably.